Learn to Live
by Demon-Rayven
Summary: Alois Trancy learns how to live, and teaches Claude Faustus to do the same. Collection of related short stories.
1. 2 AM: Alois

So I decided to start a collection of Kuroshitsuji drabbles. Most will exist in the same universe, and will be either Alois centric or Claude/Alois, with some possible Sebastian and Ciel thrown in there.

Enjoy :)

**Learn to Live**

Chapter 1 - 2 AM

It's two in the morning, and Alois Trancy is scared.

Certainly not for the first time in his life, oh no. But he is scared, nonetheless. He starts high school tomorrow, and somewhere in his mind fear is lurking, feeding off of his soul like a ravenous demon. He must be brave, however - and being brave is something Alois Trancy has never been particularly fond of.

His mother and younger brother Luca had died in a horrendous accident when he was ten years old, leaving him in the care of his stepfather, a gluttonous old man who had abused him - viciously, and with hardly a thought. He had never stood up for himself, caving in to the bastard's demands because he was too scared to do something about it. And when the old pervert had finally kicked the bucket, Alois had been shipped to the house of his estranged Uncle. Needless to say, that hadn't lasted long - he hated the boy and dumped him into the custody of Child Services the second he got the chance.

Bravery is something Alois sees in other people, yet not in himself. He sees it in his adoptive mother, Hannah, who took him in straight out off college, saying that she saw something special in him, telling him that no matter what anyone said, he was worth something. She is the bravest person Alois knows - and yet for all of his watching and idolizing her, Alois is not brave.

He tosses and turns in his bed, wondering what high school will be like. Will everyone like him? Will anyone like him at all? Will it be difficult? He is pretty good at sports, and very smart when he applies himself, and all he wants is to make Hannah proud. Because she has done everything for him because she loves him, and all he really wants is to be loved. He doesn't really care what kind at this point.

Alois supposes that being scared will do him no good. Either people will hate him or people will like him - all he could do was hold his head up high and hope for the best. Because high school is only four years long, but he is only fourteen, and four years seems like a very long time. So, he reasons that he has a long time to make friends and go to the mall and get ice cream with Hannah and grow up and maybe fall in love. Alois is not sure about love and he is not sure if he can even love someone - not like he loves Hannah or like he loved his mother - but he has seen it in movies, and a teacher told him once that movies are mirrors for our lives. Alois always thought that if he had to define it, his life would be a horror movie, or one of those sappy Lifetime movies with abused children and dogs - but now, he has a mother and a school and a home and life is not looking so horrid anymore.

Perhaps he can be brave. Brave like his mother, brave like Hannah, brave like those people in movies. He will write his own ending - or beginning, really.

It's two in the morning, and Alois Trancy decides that his life will be a love story.


	2. Metaphor: Alois x Claude

**Learn to Live**

**Chapter 2 - Metaphor**

Alois Trancy likes butterflies.

They are beautiful and delicate, colorful and frail. They have the potential to do great things but they are easily destroyed. They are a metaphor for freedom, or a symbol of captivity. The duality amuses him, and so he decides he is a butterfly.

His heart flutters, at the very least, like a butterfly's wings when Claude Faustus walks in the classroom on the first day, sets down his briefcase and Alois cannot breathe and he has never felt like this before - but there is not a metaphor perfect enough to capture the moment, and in a million years there will never be.

Mr. Faustus - no one is allowed to call him by his first name - teaches "advanced" literature to a bunch of sorry souls; Alois laments that good books are going to waste in the hands of degenerate fools. Oscar Wilde would be appalled. He appreciates literature (specifically of the Victorian sort) more than his classmates, because fantasy worlds were far more inhabitable than the one of his childhood. He takes advantage of this fact and jumps at any chance to show his new teacher. However, it seems the man catches on to his game rather quickly, and when he sees rejection in Claude's eyes he realizes how little force is needed to crush a butterfly.

The boy feels pinned, framed and labeled - his wings are delicately held back by tiny nails of dismissal. He is a specimen, rendered immobile and turned to dust. But _this_ child, very much not a child any longer, is adept at rising from ashes.

Alois is like a butterfly in more ways than one. He stands out amongst his peers - in beauty and flamboyance, in daring - but also in cunning. He is smart and he knows how to use his intelligence to get what he wants. And what Alois wants, is Claude. He is the only thing that dares crawl into the gilded cage that is Alois' world - he is dark and beautiful, like a spider, and has the capacity to be just as lethal, if Alois lets him.

He wonders if Claude enjoys a good metaphor - he must if he teaches literature. Otherwise, why the hell else would he be there? If Alois is a butterfly and butterflies are metaphors for freedom (that Alois needs but at the same time despises) and if Claude is a spider, then forgive him, but damn - what he would give to feel venom instead of blood coursing though his veins. Claude is his Sydney Carton and he is Claude's Dorian Gray - somehow Alois knows, that this man has an eye for butterflies. He is perfectly content to wait and see how long it takes for him to realize that one is right in front of him.

When Alois goes home, he finds a spider on his windowsill, and he smiles. If his world is a metaphor, than this must mean something good.


	3. Sky: Alois

**Chapter 3 - Sky**

When Alois is lonely, he goes outside, and he looks at the sky.

No matter how late or how cold it may be, he will slip a pair of black thigh-high socks on his little feet, don his signature purple sweater, and hop out on to the fire escape of his and Hannah's apartment. The sky is full of stars, shining bright and clear, because the street light is out again.

Alois doesn't mind. He is less lonely there, with stars as his companions.

He thinks about his mother and brother when he looks at the sky. Hannah tells him, one day, that she believes our loved ones look down at us from the sky at night. He grins up at them, wondering if they are happy that he has finally found a home.

Alois tells his mother about Claude one day, on a particularly clear evening. He does not have many memories of her, but Hannah says she thinks that anyone would be proud to have such a great son. He knows that Hannah means it - but he is not sure if he agrees. However, he looks up at those stars and that sky and words come spilling out, and she may be gone but she is still in Alois' memory. Alois knows that this is what matters.

He tells her every detail, not completely sure if it is truly for her benefit, or his own. After all, humans are strange creatures. He tells her that Claude makes it worth getting up and going to school every day, but he is actually making friends his own age, isn't that awesome? Hannah said that he would, but he hadn't been so sure. But that Ciel Phantom-whatever kid who lived in the huge mansion a few blocks down had invited him over, and he's never had a friend his own age before.

Alois wraps his arms around his small body, pulling the purple wool sweater closer to his skin. It is time to go in and sleep now, because he has school in the morning and needs to be well rested, and Claude sort-of smiled at him the other day so maybe _maybe_ the teacher was impressed by his essay or one of his answers, and maybe they'll speak more than a word to each other. Because more than a word is all Alois can get and all he really needs. Pulling the sweater tightly around himself once more, the boy rises from the metal stairs of the fire escape and opens the window to his room.

Alois misses his family, he does. He is almost fifteen years old and has never really known them. He misses an ordinary life, but what's done is done, although it still makes him sad. He vows that he will make his mother proud one day, and make Hannah proud too - be someone a little brother could look up to - someone whose life is not wasted on regret or grieving. That way, he can look up at the stars and know he is doing something right.

Alois smiles as big as he can, and it hurts his mouth but maybe his mother can see it from the sky.


	4. Lost Scene: Alois and Ciel

**Chapter 4 - Lost Scene**

Somewhere in between falling in love and social suicide lies one Ciel Phantomhive. No one important will ever notice him because he is quiet and smart. Everyone important will notice him, because he has everything to hide.

He is beautiful for a fourteen-year-old boy, but underneath his skin lie demons, horrible creatures that humans cannot name. Underneath the tiny black eyepatch that sits on his little face, lies scar after scar, after scar.

Ciel Phantomhive is a lost boy, never to be found. But Alois Trancy finds him, sitting alone in an empty classroom, staring into nothingness but with a look on his face that speaks volumes as to what is on his mind. Alois knows this look, because this look is the look that has been on his face too, at night and in corners of rooms and lonely and cold, heart racing but too afraid, _always too afraid_, until now.

Alois swore to be brave, so he decides that Ciel Phantomhive will be his very first friend.

This is more difficult than Alois initially thinks. While he may understand Ciel's situation, he does not, however, understand Ciel. The boy is reckless - the embodiment of chaos, yet his every move is perfectly calculated to match his cold façade. Ciel Phantomhive is too well-thought out, a perfect contrast to Alois - whose thoughts and actions never match, and whose life is never lived after contemplating beforehand. Alois does, he does not think about doing, and he has learned that thinking too hard doesn't get you anywhere anyway. Somehow, he decides, he will show Ciel Phantomhive what it really means to live in the moment.

Very quickly they are in some friend-enemy-brother relationship in which they are each other's emotional rock. Ciel is no longer lost, and Alois counts himself lucky to have found someone at all. And one day they hold hands, and admit to each other that they are both looking for something else

-not from each other, they are quick to add-

and perhaps it's impossible but maybe they can find it in each other for now. What that something is, neither of them know. Is it love? Companionship? Or merely unequivocal devotion, Alois wonders and grins, because he knows Ciel is asking himself the same question.

They have both experienced the same pain, Alois thinks - and in a way, it makes them the same, Alois Trancy and Ciel Phantomhive. Two little lost boys; they are paradoxical and proper, beautiful and obscene. They are two halves of one whole, destined for two different paths, and yet drawn to one another all the same. They are chaos and serenity; they are dark and darker.

They may both still be lost to the world, but they are lost together.


	5. Degrees: Alois x Claude

**Learn to Live**

I just wanted to thank all the wonderful people who have reviewed. I'm so glad you like the story, and I hope you keep reading. This chapter ends on a bit of a cliffhanger, but don't worry - you'll find out what happens in the next part :)

**Chapter 5 - Degrees**

Alois swears it gets hotter every time his teacher walks into the room.

It is Monday morning, one-thousand degrees, and they are learning about Bram Stoker's _Dracula. _Alois has already read it ten times over, so he decides to stare at Claude instead. Normally he would be paying rapt attention to the man's words, but he would much rather watch his instructor talk today than bother with listening. Besides, he could probably recite the entire book by heart. It is, after all, one of his favorites.

In any case, Alois has stopped all other actions in favor of watching the line of Claude's jaw. He is sure he has some idiotic smile on his face, though, because Claude looks at him funny once or twice - but hey, at least he's looking. Alois is one of those people who prefers negative attention over no attention at all. In fact, it took him years and years to realize that bruises were not products of affection, and that sex and love were not the same monster - but one thing that he still believes is that anything is better than being ignored.

And something somewhere must have changed between them, because Claude has been looking at him for the past five minutes, and suddenly Claude asks him to stay after class, and all he can think is _Claude, Claude, Claude_. Everything is blurry and his head feels funny, how the hell is he going to get through the rest of the class? The clock has to be lying to him, because it says 2:13 and that means there are seventeen minutes left and that seems _so long._

After what seems like an eternity, in which Alois has run through a million situations in his head, the bell rings, and the rest of the students file out of the classroom. He is sweating and there is a knot in his stomach, and he tells himself to calm down, because he's getting too worked up. Claude is probably going to tell him he needs to stop staring at the older man's ass and start paying attention in class for once.

The teacher calls him up to his desk, and his little legs are shaking as he starts what feels like a never-ending journey to the front of the classroom.

Sitting at his desk, he and Claude are almost eye to eye, but he can't look the other man in the face, because then things are real, and what if there is something there he doesn't want? But Claude is looking at him expectantly, as if he's waiting for an answer. Had his teacher been talking the entire time?

Claude Faustus and his damn yellow eyes, Alois can see them gleaming behind his glasses, whether in irritation or _something else_, he doesn't know. And when Claude repeats himself, Alois breathes a sigh of relief. His teacher tells him that his test and essay grades are phenomenal, but he needs to be more attentive in class discussions. Alois thinks it's cute that his professor wants to hear his opinions, because that means someone at this god-forsaken school thinks he's smart. Not many people seem to think he has a shred of intelligence - whether due to his hair color or his disposition. But Claude is less than a foot away from him and all Alois can do is agree to his demands. He smiles, promising he will try to do better, because Victorian Literature is his favorite - he just gets frustrated by the other students and the drivel that comes out of their mouths. Luckily, Claude seems to understand, even sympathize, and this makes Alois want to try harder. Maybe if he is the perfect student, he will have a chance to get closer to his teacher. The room is getting hotter and hotter, and Alois Trancy is beginning to get lost in those yellow eyes. This has to mean something, it _has t_o. And maybe, just maybe-

Claude's expression suddenly changes.


	6. Seize the Day: Alois x Claude

**Learn to Live**

Here's Chapter 6 :) don't be too disappointed - Alois will get what he wants eventually 3

**Chapter 6 - Seize the Day**

Alois' philosophy is a simple one: if he dies, he does not want to die with a single regret. And while there are things in his past he could not control, like the years of rape and abuse - he can certainly control his life now. He has his freedom back - hell, he even has a best friend now. He barely even knows how he got where he is now, with a mother (of sorts) and someone to lean on (if you could call Ciel that) and a life and a reason, a reason to keep going that he never had before. He wakes up with a smile on his face sometimes, and Alois has seen death - he knows that each day he wakes up is a blessing, and sometimes living is hard-

but right now Claude is closer than he's ever been, and he is just fucking _thankful that he exists_.

In this moment Alois swears his brain shuts down. He's dreamt of Claude smiling at him, and touching him, but it's never been more than that because Alois is scared of being hurt again. Hurt by someone who he trusted, even just a little bit. And he knows, really, that he has no reason no trust his teacher, but he does, for some reason. Totally and completely.

He can feel his Claude's breath, ghosting over his lips like the legs of a spider and this should be scaring him, spiders are poisonous, you know - but Alois is exhilarated, and he's always been attracted to danger, anyway. Alois lives to push, push boundaries and buttons, push at the edges of reality and the beginnings of skin.

Alois only knows one Latin phrase: _Carpe diem_. Ciel taught it to him, because the boy thought it had exemplified him. When he had asked why, Ciel answered that it meant "seize the day," and that if anyone could seize the day, it was certainly Alois Trancy. Alois seized anything he wanted. He lived as if he was going to spontaneously combust at any given moment - in fact, he planned on it. And as anyone knows, people with death in mind are dangerous people, because they have everything to give and nothing to lose.

If Alois ever had anything to lose, it was discarded long ago. Now, he is a treacherous child, craving for companionship, craving for someone to fill the desperate, inconsolable longing that exists within him. He can never have enough; a mother is not enough, a friend is not enough. Alois thought he would always need _more _- and he is not one to settle, but Claude, he thinks, would be enough. This man that he trusts, somehow, this man who has cast an unbreakable spell upon him; this man would be enough to satisfy his never-ending need for more, if he would only-

and Alois has lost his train of thought. He and Claude are no longer face to face, no longer breathing the same air, and the older man is clearing his throat and all of a sudden the magic is gone, whatever magic there was.

Claude turns around and dismisses him from the classroom and the light in Alois' eyes flickers for a moment.


	7. Opposite: Claude

**Learn to Live**

In this chapter we hear from Claude. Just a warning, he may be out of character; I've never written him before :(

**Chapter 7 - ****Opposite**

Claude never used to be like this.

He is beautiful and silent, cold and uncaring, even cruel - but once, he was completely different. On one summer day, everything changed, and Claude does not remember where or how, or what he was like before. All he recalls, is the feeling of _changing_, of altering in some imperceptible, irreversible way.

Claude usually does not dwell on it. It will never do him any good.

So he throws himself into academics, pushing whatever past he had back, to the dark corners of his mind. The dark corners where the Claude of yesterday lives, where his memories live, where his demons dwell. He pushes them away, and they do not return. After 6 years of schooling, he graduates at the top of his class and becomes a literature teacher, publishing a few books on the side. He is quite content with this. Claude Faustus is the master of denial.

That is, until he meets Alois Trancy. This boy, who dominates his every waking thought, has found a way to control him that no one else has ever been able to harness. Every smile, every look, every time Alois bats his eyelashes, Claude forgets who he is and who he was; he forgets everything except this little blonde boy and his eyes and his hair and his smile and-

Claude never used to think like this. But this boy is his change, his undoing. He is temptation, that Claude has never before acknowledged, and he swears he never will again. He swears every time Alois leaves his classroom, that he will rid himself of the curse that is this child. However, he has discovered, that Alois is not so easily discarded.

Alois Trancy does not remind him of himself. He does not feel any strong connection to the boy based on similar past experiences - in fact, he is quite certain the are complete opposites. Strangely, this does not stop Claude from ignoring the voice in his head screaming at him to stay away from Alois. It does not stop him from giving the boy exactly what he wants.

He assigns a creative writing assignment about metaphor, and what Alois writes he will never forget. The boy likens himself to a butterfly, trapped in a spiderweb, waiting to be devoured. It's almost as if it's the only thing he wants. The boy is desperate, and his desperation is beautiful, just like him-

Claude has the unsatiable desire to fulfill his wishes.

-but he straightens his tie, composes himself, and politely requests that Alois leave his classroom.

He is safe, for today. Safe from the demon inside of him.


	8. Passions Run: Alois x Claude

**Learn to Live**

Thank you so much for the sweet reviews! And just as a warning, I have finals soon, so I'm going to try to update regularly but for the next 2 weeks I can't make any promises :(

I think you'll like this one though :)

**Chapter 8 - Passions Run**

This week they are reading The Picture of Dorian Gray. This happens to be Alois' favorite book, and being only temporarily deterred by his teacher's rejection, decides to double his efforts and throw himself fully into their class discussion. Unfortunately, he happens to have a great deal to say about the book, and his classmates just don't appreciate his genius.

He would have to say that the Victorian Era is his... _passion_. And they just don't seem to get it. They don't seem to understand how amazing these books are, or the power they had when they were written, or how repressive society was and just how _provocative_ this shit really _was_.

There is one person he knows, that understands, and he is perched at his podium in the front of the classroom, with a look of thinly cloaked despair painted across his features. Claude is fucking miserable. Normally, Alois would sympathize, but they haven't spoken since he left the classroom two weeks ago, sorely disappointed. So, instead of smiling at his teacher in understanding, the blonde looks him in the eye and sticks his tongue out in a mocking gesture, a sort of _you deserve this._ Because Alois swore Claude was going to kiss him and he didn't, and now Alois is pissed. Because heaven help him, there was something there, and if something didn't happen soon, Claude was going to get it.

He has to admit, the past two weeks have been fun. He's made it his mission to drive Claude insane. Very slowly. So his shorts have been _just_ a little higher, he's paid just a bit more attention, and he's been talking in class _just_ enough to make the kids in his class hate his guts. Ciel, however, seems to think it's funny. Asshole.

He talks about Dorian Gray, and how Lord Henry wants to fuck him - which doesn't seem to sit well with Claude - and aestheticism isn't stupid, it makes sense. He can see Claude's languid descent into madness, and he loves every minute of it. He eats it up with a smile on his face, like a starving child.

He is a child, really. And he knows that Claude knows what he's playing at.

So when Claude ends their little game abruptly, he's a bit disappointed. He's grown into a routine, and now his teacher's just going to ruin it? The door closes and his reality shatters, because he thought they'd go on like this forever. His only consolation is that Claude is kissing him and everything is fuzzy, and somewhere in his mind is a _you're in trouble now_, but he's not listening, because he has better things to do. Claude is crazy and Alois is crazier but they're attached at the mouth now, so their crazy is probably doubled, and that makes Alois giggle but he doesn't break contact. He knocks Claude down onto his chair and the man lets him, and-

Alois is in control again, and he likes the feeling. The blood is pounding in his veins, and the last thing he remembers thinking, is _this is what passion really is, Claude. _


	9. Connection: Alois and Ciel

**Learn to Live**

**Chapter 9 -****Connection**

He and Ciel have a connection that runs deeper than is possible with anyone else. Honestly, he feels more for Ciel than any other human being - just not romantic feelings. At one point, they could have been, but Ciel is cruel, and Alois is a little unhinged. They stomp on that idea before it ever sees the light of day.

Ciel is his best friend, and virtually everyone in the school treats them like perfect matching dolls - they are to be looked at, but not touched.

They have been touched before, and it has left scars. Ciel's are more obvious, a useless eye and an aversion to changing in front of his classmates - he will do anything to hide his scars, so he pushes people away. Alois' are more subtle, rarely covered by his clothes, inside his mouth; they are etched on every contour of his skin. But Alois wears his scars with pride, where anyone can see them if they look. Both of them are marred, irreversibly. One of them, with a fear of building bridges, and one with a fear of burning them. They fit together nicely, Alois Trancy and Ciel Phantomhive.

They are rarely separated.

When he is not at Ciel's house, Ciel is sleeping in his bed, and Alois makes him breakfast, because the younger boy prefers that anyway. Alois is the comfort Ciel has never wanted, and Ciel is the home that Alois never had. They complete each other, in some distorted way. They grow more attached, _intertwined_, with every passing day.

Ciel, to his friend's dismay, teaches the blonde proper etiquette. Alois, in return, teaches an unwilling Ciel how to picnic in the grass. Ciel shows Alois how to play chess, Alois reciprocates by showing Ciel how to play dirty.

It's something Ciel will never use, but Alois thought he should know.

So when Alois tells him about Claude, Ciel supposes he should be jealous. Instead, he just smiles. He knows that Alois is his, first and foremost, before he is anyone else's. They _belong_ to each other. Mind, body, and soul - they are one in the same.

Alois is desperate, desperate for physical affection, desperate for love. Ciel is desperate to keep his feet firmly on the ground, so he lives in the crook of Alois' arm. It may not be the healthiest relationship, but it keeps Ciel from going crazy and it keeps Alois alive - it is their own special brand of symbiosis. No one gets in the way, and no one can.

Ciel is a selfish child, but he dares to let Alois into his world. Because Ciel knows what it is like, that desperate longing. He feels it too, for dark hair and red eyes and shadows and devils. He and Alois are more similar than either of them realize - they both come from the dark, and are inevitably drawn to it. They live in the darkness, and the darkness lives inside them.

It will be their undoing, one day.


	10. Lull and Storm: Ciel x Sebastian

**Learn to Live**

This chapter is centered around Ciel and Sebastian - there's a bit of Alois though. Next chapter is Alois-centric :)

**Chapter 10 - Lull and Storm**

Ciel meets Sebastian Michaelis on a stereotypical stormy night. Little does he know, that this night will come to define him. He ducks into the public library to get out of the rain, only to find that he's just walked in on a faculty lecture for a nearby university. After the initial embarrassment, he takes just one look at the speaker, and for some reason he is compelled to remain and listen to the seminar. He doesn't really care about the physics of music, but he stays the entire time, just to watch the man speak.

This man is the embodiment of elegance. Dark, beautiful, lanky and thin and taller than anyone in Ciel's world - from the moment their eyes meet, the child is immediately transfixed.

He is not the only one.

He stays after the lecture is over and becomes acquainted with Sebastian. One month later, he knows more of the man than he would care to say.

Their relationship is a violent thunderstorm; Ciel is too young, Sebastian's morals flew out the window a long time ago - there is nothing to be done. All too quickly Ciel has fallen down the path to hell, and he has no intention of turning back. If he has found the devil in this man, then so be it. He has no use for a God.

When there is rain in the sky, he finds solace in Sebastian. It starts out as an arrangement of convenience, yet quickly escalates into something that one of them wants, and both of them need.

Ciel wants solitude. His world consists of his house and his company and Alois - he does not want to let anyone in, he is happy this way. But Sebastian is persuasive and persistent, and all sorts of other p-words, and Ciel can no more resist him than he can resist a slice of cheesecake, or a crème brûlée. He is an idiot for even trying.

He finds it strange, that he has gone from having no one to care about, to having two people to call his own. In between storms, he goes home to find Alois at his door, or he finds himself seated at the other boy's kitchen table, the two of them eating with Hannah. Ciel's life is still complicated, and he doesn't know if he would consider himself happy. The past still haunts him, but now he thinks in terms of weather.

There is no sunshine anymore, there is no snow. There are no seasons. There are only times of clear weather, and times of storms. Ciel wonders if it is a bad thing, to live your life in terms of only two people. But the world does not matter to him, only the sky and Ciel is his name, after all.

Alois says he is growing up; Ciel laughs. He doesn't suppose he can grow up more than he already has. He is much more mature than anyone his age - possibly even more so than Sebastian - but some of his childish qualities are not so easily washed away. He is relentlessly stubborn, ruthless, selfish, and he enjoys it. But with Sebastian, something is different. Alois allows him to be what he is and he thinks that he loves the boy for that-

but for Sebastian, Ciel wants to be unpredictable. To change, just like the weather.


	11. Animal: Alois

**Learn to Live**

Ah, finals are over! I had some trouble with this chapter, so it may not be up to par...hopefully the next one will go better. I'm already working on it :)

**11. Animal**

Alois does not dream often, but when he does, he has only nightmares. Nightmares of the most garish variety, where his skin is peeled from his bones and his tongue is cut out. He is set on fire and left to burn and beaten senseless. He is used and abused until his body is broken, and then he wakes up.

He wakes up and the images are gone, and he is safe in his bed, but the scars are still there - and they are real. More real than anything has ever been, up until now.

His dreams haunt him, like someone rewinding through his life, picking the very worst parts, and pressing play. He does not want to forget, but he certainly does not want to relive that time - those two years when he was treated like an animal, starved and bruised and lonely, but never alone.

Alois will never be treated like an animal again. He will not be stepped on, degraded, or persecuted; he may not have wholly regained his self-esteem, but he still demands some sort of respect, somehow, from everyone he meets. If he does not demand that respect from people, he fears he will again be seen as the child he once was, the child who was ugly and flimsy, the child that everyone walked all over. No better than a dog.

Claude is the one person from which he demands nothing, and this scares him, because Claude is also the one person that can take everything away. Claude treats him differently than everyone else, because everyone demands respect but Claude just gives it. He speaks to Alois like they are on the same level - and so, they are. Plus, Claude is one of those people who will hold your hand even though they hate it and for that, Alois gives him a lot of credit. Alois likes holding hands, and Ciel always puts up a fight when anyone tries. Not like Claude. Claude rolls his eyes, but says nothing.

Claude does not treat him like an animal. Some days he is a prince - some days a child, some days a nuisance. Sometimes he needs to be chastised, sometimes worshipped. Strangely enough, this boy has gone from living within the depths of hell to being an angel, put up on a pedestal simply to be adored. Truthfully, he would rather just be Alois, but if Claude wants to treat him like royalty then he can, because 'your highness' just _sounds_ so nice coming out of his mouth like that.

If Alois has nightmares about Claude, he doesn't say; Claude wonders sometimes if the boy is as scared of him as he should be. When the boy writes about spiders, he always leaves out just how dangerous they can be - but perhaps he just doesn't want to think about it. Their relationship is not "right" by any means, and both of the know that Claude could overpower him or leave him or forget his face at any moment. But he does not.

Claude stays, simply because he does not want to leave.

Alois doesn't know this, but he can't.


	12. Children: Alois and Ciel

**Learn to Live**

Here's the next chapter! I hope you guys like it. Thank you so much for your sweet reviews. They're what keeps me writing :)

**12. Children**

They are acting like children.

Obviously it was Alois that started the argument, but Ciel is always the one to throw the first stone.

_Being involved with one of your teachers is dangerous, _he says. _Being involved with an adult is dangerous, period. _But when it turns into _you should know better _and _didn't last time teach you anything?_ next thing he knows Alois is crying and running out the door and Ciel regrets the words the second they come out of his mouth.

He never was good with people.

He knows Alois has locked himself in his room, and he won't try to leave so he sits for a few minutes and collects his thoughts. It was quite hypocritical of him, making a statement like that - it's not like he's not _involved_ with Sebastian Michaelis or anything. Not to mention, he might have been smarter than Alois but as far as people went, the other boy was a pretty good judge of character. This guy had to be something special, if Alois was willing to put himself on the line again. All Ciel knew were the basics concerning Claude, and what Alois had told him, which strangely, wasn't much. That had to be another reason to trust Alois' decisions - he must really like this guy, if he wasn't running and telling Ciel every single little detail of their relationship. Alois kept important things to himself, unless he was provoked. Like today.

He trudges down the hallway and opens the bedroom door, because he knows Alois wouldn't have locked it. Alois is not like Ciel, he wants people to find him. It's all he's ever wanted, really - someone to open the door or turn over the rock or uncover their eyes and just _see him. _Ciel hasn't ever really wanted that until recently. He supposes he understands the appeal - of being found, that is. Alois found him, and Sebastian found him, and suddenly that was the end of some sort of era of sadness. He assumes finding is hard, since that's what Alois always says, but being found seems so much harder.

This time he does the finding.

_I'm sorry_ turns into _I was wrong _ which turns into _I miss you_ and _you're mine,_ and suddenly everything is okay again because Alois and Ciel are broken, but broken children are still children. So Ciel tucks a piece of Alois' hair behind his ear and Alois holds Ciel's hands tight and he cries and there are apologies on both ends; there are_ I should have told you_'s and _I lied to you_'s and _please forgive me_'sand for the billionth time their friendship burns and is reborn from the ashes.

Children's friendships are so easily mended.

Apology becomes confession - Ciel is scared to sound like an idiot, because to him, love is idiocy, but he puts this aside and tells Alois exactly _why_ he has been going to the library every day after school, and Alois pets his head, comforted by the fact that if he's going to hell, at least he'll have a friend there. But he's always known that, somehow.

They are perfect together, the two of them, and if not for Sebastian or Claude Alois knows he would happily spend his life chasing after Ciel Phantomhive instead. Maybe that will be where they end up - together. He's not exactly sure, but what he is sure of is that even if he doesn't really have this friendship thing figured out, Ciel is real right now and that he will always be there, no matter what.

Sometimes children just know.


	13. We All Float On: Alois x Claude

**Learn to Live**

I just want to thank you all sooooo much, for all the favourites, reviews, etc. They really brighten up my day. Whenever I get one, it makes me want to write! I love you guys :D I really hope you enjoy this chapter - it's longer than usual...

(PS - If you don't know about Luis Buñuel, he's an awesome Spanish director, and he's really inspiring, you should check him out!)

**13. We All Float On**

Sometimes Alois feels like he is drowning. He would say he's like Jack from _Titanic_, but Claude is no Rose, and neither is Ciel. So there's no poetry in that, and what is life without poetry? No life at all.

He is currently sitting watching a Luis Buñuel movie (_Susana_, if you must know), eating celery and peanut butter with Ciel in his lap sleeping, but in his mind the world is exploding because he is afraid. They had just watched _Notes on a Scandal_, which is about some teacher who has an affair with one of her students, and now he is scared because what if someone finds out? He doesn't want Claude to get in trouble for something that _he_ essentially started. Part of him wants to end it, but part of him knows that he can't. He has to hang on to this as long as possible, because any day it could be over. Life without poetry would not be life? No, life without _memory_ would not be life. Luis Buñuel said that, and Alois knows that the man was right - the memories of his past have defined him, and he is so desperate to make new ones, because those new memories will make him a new person. Claude can make him a new person.

So again, Alois has to be brave, because if he gives up now, he may never know what could have been. Because maybe Claude will leave - but maybe he won't. Maybe someone will find out - but maybe no one ever will. He has to take a chance; Alois may be reckless but he has never jumped off of a cliff as tall as this before.

He will just have to make sure he takes a deep breath first.

His phone rings - it is a text message, and all of a sudden he can breathe and someone is picking him up out of the water, because it's Claude, telling him he should go to sleep. He answers that he is busy eating celery and watching _Susana_, and a few seconds later he laughs when the phone rings again. He puts a blanket over Ciel and walks into the kitchen, listening to Claude's voice through the tiny little purple speaker of his phone. Air is filling his lungs, and he doesn't know why because he's never paid attention, but was breathing supposed to be this hard? Claude asks about the movie, and Alois tells him that it's about a woman in prison who claims that God has forsaken her. He tells Claude about one scene where a spider crawls out the window of the prison, and how it's funny because all she wants is freedom and this _fucking spider just gets it without trying! _and Claude wonders how he can analyze movies like this so late at night.

His heart feels like it's stuck in his throat, but he doesn't really give a shit because all he can focus on is what Claude is saying - or at least how he's saying it. All Alois really catches is _it's three in the morning, you should be sleeping_ and _do you want me to come pick you up tomorrow_, because he is thinking about seeing Claude instead of talking to him. He's pretty sure he hasn't spoken in a few minutes - confirmed by Claude's inquiry of _are you alright?_ And he isn't sure if he's alright. He's still a bit shaky from his previous bout of anxiety, and he still isn't really _sure_ of anything at all. He tells Claude that everything is fine, asks what time the other man is going to pick him up, and tells him _goodnight, I miss you, I'll see you tomorrow_.

After hanging up the phone, Alois lays down on the couch next to Ciel, staring at the ceiling. He promises himself that tomorrow will be a great day, because he will never know how many days the two of them have left. It could be forever, or a month, but Alois doesn't like to think about those things. He prefers to be optimistic, but sometimes he can't help thoughts like those from creeping up on him, making him feel like everything is hopeless, and there is nothing he can do-

but Claude is there. He exists, and that makes everything okay again.


	14. Chess: Ciel x Sebastian

**Learn to Live**

I am SO sorry that it has taken this long, and I know that since most of you read this for the main pairing, this isn't necessarily what you want to see :(

I was having a HUGE writer's block, and I'm not too happy with this one...I've designated the pairings for all of the chapters so far, and I just couldn't bring myself to force this one out. I feel so awful about it. The next one is Claude-centric, and hopefully that one will be out very very soon. I want to thank all of my wonderful reviewers, and all of you who have stuck around to read my story. I love you!

**Chapter 14 - Chess**

Ciel has never lost a game of chess, until today. Until Sebastian. Then again, he has never played with a physics professor before, or any sort of professor, or anyone who has the ability to distract him that Sebastian does.

This man has decimated him in more ways than one.

He no longer thinks the same, no longer breathes in exactly the same manner as before. He does not speak the same way, he does not act the same way; he has even altered the way he writes his name. He dresses differently - and it's completely unnoticeable, but Sebastian Michaelis has changed his entire being. He feels it, senses it in his shoes, his hands, in his thoughts. In his eye. In the air.

Ciel has always enjoyed a good game of chess, but finding a good opponent was always a problem. Alois had no interest in chess, calling it boring and trivial and Ciel wasn't going to be a general or some shit, so why was he playing it? The few times the boy had actually gotten Alois to play with him, he had either lost on purpose or gotten too distracted to make it through half of the game. His attention span was already drastically low - and Ciel always brought out the worst in him.

Ciel brought out the worst in a lot of people. Like Sebastian, for example. He'd never really been interested in anyone before, yet alone a thirteen year old boy. But there was something about Ciel Phantomhive that drew him in, something that made him a different person in the boy's presence, simply because he was there, because he _existed_. In some invisible way, Sebastian and Ciel were always engaging in a game of chess. It was a game of change - of adapting to the opponents strategy using it to create one of your own. But this was not chess, or war, or deceit, or love, even.

This was not one of Ciel's chess games.

Alois told him that he would get stuck one day, stuck between love and obligation, between his affections and his ambitions - and to use one of Ciel's favorite phrases, he told the boy it was a _checkmate_ he wouldn't be so easily able to wriggle his way out of. Ciel knows now, that his best friend was right; he can see the day coming now, clear as day. He must be able to choose between Sebastian, and the past he cannot let go. When he first asks himself, he is not so sure, and yet the tall, raven haired man is beginning to occupy the places in his mind where memories once were. Slowly, his forces are crumbling - and just when he thinks he has nothing left, there is Sebastian's voice in his ear, quiet and unassuming. _Checkmate_. He will not be afraid to fall, not anymore, because he is changed, he is reborn, and this man who has broken him and built him again is still by his side. Someone is finally there to catch him.

Sebastian has won.

He smiles.


	15. Duty: Claude

**Learn to Live**

I apologize for the wait. And to answer the questions of some of my reviews, I will most definitely be continuing this story! There are 40 prompts in my list, but I may not use all of them...I'd estimate at least 30 chapters :) I'm glad you like my story, and thank you so much for the lovely feedback.

This chapter is about Claude, who, as we know, I do have some trouble writing. But I tried my best! Kisses!

(The next chapter will be about by baby Alois, in case anyone is curious. See you soon!)

**Chapter 15 - Duty**

Claude has always been a creature of obligation. He does things because they ought to be done, not because of a particular passion to do them. He went to school because he was supposed to, and he became a teacher not because he wanted to shape young minds - instead, he thought it would be a good profession to sustain him while he wrote. After all, being a high school literature instructor was not anything he had a desire to do from the start. It was simply something that happened. And after he got the job, he was obligated to perform the tasks expected of him. He went to work every day, went out of his way for students, and seemed to take pride in everything he did. An ordinary person might assume Claude had a fondness for his work. They would be wrong.

There are not many things Claude would say he is fond of. He is fond of books, and he enjoys cooking. Mostly he likes writing, and he likes Alois Trancy.

Claude is someone who would seem romantic to the untrained eye. He opens doors for women, and for Alois, he buys dinner, and his manners are impeccable. He writes about nature and ardor and most recently, the boy who has come to reside in his thoughts - but he does not write to show anyone how he feels, or to prove his love, or any ofd that bullshit - pardon his language. He writes because he will forget who he is if he does not. His writing encompasses the things in his life he wants to separate from - things that will kill him if they remain in his head. To put it bluntly, Claude Faustus writes what he no longer wishes to feel.

That's not to say he wants to get rid of the words he regurgitates onto his pages; he merely desires to control them. If not, they will get the best of him. Claude knows he cannot escape emotion - but if he is obligated to feel, he refuses to let his feelings control him.

They control him anyway. They fuel his movements, his decisions, his thoughts. Claude, like every other human being, is a slave to his biology. For all of his intelligence, he thinks, he is just like Alois Trancy; he is hopelessly shackled to someone who, for all intense purposes, he ought to have nothing to do with. However, Claude was the one who started their relationship - affair? - and it is his duty to see it through. He never mentions once that he might be lying to himself, that he might want this, because Claude does not want things, Claude does not need anything - Claude does what he is supposed to do - except in this instance, where he is doing exactly what he is _not supposed to do_.

He cannot even think properly anymore. Alois Trancy, he decides, will be the death of him. But when the boy walks through the door of his classroom, all smiles and shorts and sunshine hair, Claude forgets all of his duties and obligations, and thinks for a minute, that he will do this because he wants to, and damn the consequences.

Claude Faustus has learned something.


	16. Rip: Alois

**Learn to Live**

So, the last chapter was dismally short...but this one is extra long as a thank you :) This one is categorized just as Alois, because both Ciel and Claude make pretty large appearances. I loved writing this chapter but it's a little sad :(

Thanks again for the lovely reviews! The next chapter will be centered around Ciel and Sebastian, most likely, because I've neglected them, haha.

**Chapter 16 - Rip**

One Tuesday Alois does not go to school, he is too busy looking in the mirror. Alois is not a vain child, no, he just hates what he sees.

He wants to tear his skin off; he wants to be unconscious forever so he does to have to remember how much it hurts to exist. So he rips off all of his clothes and sits, forehead pressed to the cool glass, and is eyes are closed but that does not mean he cannot see. He sees far more than he wants to.

He sees the scars that are there, the faint lines crawling up his legs and across his hipbones, and he sees the scars that faded long ago - the bruises that are no longer visible but still sting just the same. And he feels tainted, used, beaten again, like that man is alive and well and still exerts some sort of influence over him.

So he cries, and he cries, and Hannah is there but she cannot help, and she knows it, so she takes his phone and calls Ciel because he is the only person that Hannah knows who can get through to him. When Ciel gets there, Alois is screaming, and it is this hollow, empty noise, hopeless and horrifying like a broken violin, because it's not very often that this happens but when it does, it is an awful thing. And after Ciel coaxes Alois into putting on clothes, the boy is clinging to him and his shirt is already wet with tears and it's times like these Ciel wishes he could just make all of Alois' memories go _away_, because no one should have to live like this. He knows Claude will not be able to talk to him - if Alois will even agree to it - until after school lets out, so Ciel takes off his jacket and readjusts his best friend in his arms, and runs his fingers through the boys hair, and just talks to him, and Alois eventually quiets down, breathing softy against Ciel's shoulder.

Neither of them say a word, until three o' clock, when Alois' phone unexpectedly rings. Alois does not trust himself to speak, so he hands the phone to Ciel. Hearing Claude's voice through the receiver is slightly awkward, as he is speaking to his teacher who happens to be involved with his best friend; he is not really sure what to say. So he just tells Claude that Alois had a panic attack, and that he is alright now and that he will be in school tomorrow, but that he probably shouldn't be talking right now because he's still upset. He does not know how to react, however, when Claude pulls the _I-have-more-authority-than-you_ spiel and requests (demands) to speak to him. And it's not like Ciel to concede to a _request_ like that - but he knows that Alois would want him to and he can already see the upturn of the boy's mouth, so he gives the man a stern warning to be careful what he says and relinquishes the phone to his blonde companion.

It's strange, almost bittersweet, the feeling in Ciel's gut when he knows that Alois is going to ask him to leave, to tell him that he's okay and it's no longer necessary for him to stay. And he's resigned himself to it when Alois puts his hand gently over the receiver and tells him to go home and get clothes because he's sleeping over, _duh_. So Ciel smiles, more broadly than he has in a while, and tells him that he has until dinner, which should give him plenty of time to to whatever-the-fuck he wants to with Claude and still have time for him.

Alois puts on a coat and changes his socks and leaves Hannah a note in case she gets home from work early, and he walks to the park to meet Claude, his hands stuffed warmly in his pockets and the first thing that Claude notices is the lack of skin the boy is showing, and knows something must be wrong because for some God-forsaken reason he is wearing _pants._ So he tucks Alois under his chin and listens to him banter good-naturedly about nothing, and he wonders what had happened, and what this child is hiding, exactly. He realizes that he doesn't care very much, although he has some idea anyway, because when his hands rest on Alois' hips he winces a little, and then relaxes, almost as if he forgot for a moment who had been touching him. Claude looks him in the eye, questioning, but gets only a smile in return. After that, though, Alois seems to calm down, pressing into him, and pillows his head against the taller man's shoulder. There is something so wrong about this moment and so right at the very same time, and Claude decides he will take what he can get for now.

He understands that perhaps this meeting wasn't the best idea, and asks Alois if he'd like to just go home; the boy sighs contentedly and says no, so he laces their fingers together and they sit on a park bench, until they are forced to part ways - and they do, with Claude slightly confused but at the same time strangely calm, and Alois feeling like his body is his own again.


	17. Missing Time: Ciel x Sebastian

**Learn to Live**

This chapter is centered on Ciel and Sebastian, and the next one is probably going to revolve around Ciel. After that, the next few prompts are all Alois/Claude, so hopefully I can get them done pretty quick.

Thank you so much, again, for the reviews, and thanks to everyone who takes the time to read/keep tabs on my story :)

**Chapter 17 - Missing Time**

Between Alois and school and his Aunt Anne and his stupid company, Ciel never thought he'd ever have time for a relationship, or anything that could ever be defined as such. Being with Sebastian makes him question things - and although Ciel is not adverse to questions, self-discovery is not something he has ever felt particularly comfortable with. In fact, he does all he can to avoid it. Unfortunately, Alois seems determined to help Ciel figure himself out, while Ciel would rather spend his time analyzing other people, or jumping off a cliff, or drinking bleach, or anything else, really. He just doesn't want to talk about it, because that will make him _think_ about it, and that's not something he's ready to do; maybe he'll never be ready.

He is afraid of what lies within his own heart - he is afraid of reliving the memories of a time he has already pushed out of his mind. Ciel is terrified of losing more time. He is fifteen years old, now, but it seems like he has already taken too much - like his time is running out. He's felt this way, perched on the edge of death, since he was ten, stolen from his home and robbed of his family and his dog and his best friend and his old life, his innocence, his optimism.

Sebastian thinks they have all the time in the world. And he's much older than Ciel, in addition to being less of an awful pessimist, so he should know - but something in Ciel finds it very hard to believe him. So he tells Sebastian, _time is something I don't have,_ and _I want to forget_ and _help me _and Sebastian listens and might not agree but he will do all he can to help Ciel forget, because it is all he can do. Sebastian does not understand, and he knows he would be a fool to claim that he did - he grew up in relative comfort, had a pleasant childhood, went to college, became a teacher - in fact, the only truly extraordinary thing that has happened to him so far has been meeting Ciel Phantomhive. Part of him thinks there is something wrong with this; that part is greatly overshadowed by the one that thinks him the luckiest man alive. Sebastian's life has been boring, boring, _boring get me the hell out of here_ until he found himself staring into the eyes of a sopping wet teenager with an eyepatch and a jacket over his head and a heavy burden on his heart, sitting in the back row listening to his lecture, visible eye looking right back at him.

And now all that time, all of those moments he felt like he had missed, are coming back to him, like they have been kept from him his entire life until now. He refuses to give them up, the moments he has with this fragile young boy - this child who wishes to forget everything, while Sebastian has nothing to forget, nothing to let go. Sebastian only has time, and if the least he can do is give it to Ciel, then so be it. The boy needs it more anyway, and Sebastian needs _him,_ more than either of them knows.

So Sebastian holds him tightly, so tightly it hurts - but everything feels more real than it has in a long time, longer than Ciel remembers. He's losing himself in the feeling of fingers in his hair, and lips on his, and words in his ear, and Sebastian is very, _very_ good at what he does; if he says he will do something, it will get done, and this is no different. Perhaps he is delaying the inevitable, and he knows he will have to tell Sebastian someday - he will have to come to terms with it someday - but for now, he allows it to slowly drift out of his memory. To float to the dark corners of his mind, where he cannot see it anymore, even with the lights out - because Sebastian can keep him safe, locked in his arms, where he can forget everything but _right now_.


	18. Crest: Ciel

**Learn to Live**

This chapter is short, and centered on Ciel, and it's just a quick look into his past before I submit a couple longer chapter about Alois and Claude. One or two of them will be submitted today, and then another in a day or two.

This chapter is not chronological, buy the way - it jumps around a bit back and forth between when the house is still burnt down, and when it's already rebuilt.

Enjoy :)

**Chapter 18 - Crest**

Before Ciel Phantomhive met Alois Trancy, he might as well have been dead. In a way, he already was, covered in bruises and bandages, eye neatly covered with a surgical eyepatch, and his doting Auntie Anne trying to coax him back into relative comfort. For the ten year old, though, it was hardly an option. In fact, the thought of things being the way they used to causes something to turn in his stomach, something dark and unpleasant like a clawed hand squeezing his insides. He still feels it, the weight of their disgusting old hands, crawling up and down his body; he still hears their gravelly, hoarse voices; he still tastes the blood, pooling in his mouth. They may have rebuilt his house, they may have provided him with everything he could ever want, but Ciel Phantomhive will never be the same child again.

He screams every night, like someone is digging knives into his skin, and there is nothing to be done to console him. No servant can touch him or come close to him, he speaks to no one, and after a while, the house falls into a disturbing routine of care. The servants live as if the boy did not even exist, and he is happier that way. In his mind, it brings him closer to oblivion, closer to death, closer to _peace._ Many people thought he'd died along with his parents in the fire anyway, due to his Aunt's over-protectiveness and determination to keep any media away from him, so reading so many mistaken condolences for his own death is in a way, strangely comforting. He can pretend he is with his parents again, even though they are underground, never to see him or talk to him or hold him in their arms again.

When Ciel walks through the rubble with his Aunt, she sees just how much the house has been destroyed, and the child looks at her with a steely glance and requests that the house be rebuilt, exactly the same as it was. And she can't deny him, and besides, it's his money, he'd said, so she'd called in the order right then. Turning around a moment later, she sees her little nephew stooped over a spot on the ground near where his parent's bedroom might have been, and watches him pull out the two rings, one belonging to his mother and one to his father; one silver with a glimmering sapphire, and one gold, inlaid with the Phantomhive crest. She wants to cry, watching him like this, but she has to be strong for him when there is no one else. So she calls his name but does not dare to reach for his hand, and leads him out the door but does not dare to speak, leaves him to his own thoughts and does not dare to intrude. She knows that Ciel needs time, because she has an idea of what those men did to him even though he may never speak of it - and by the way he is clutching so desperately onto those rings, she knows that there are too many things he is dealing with right now. She lost a sister and a man she might have loved, but Ciel has lost everything.

So she leads him up to his room and shuts the door behind him, sinks down to the floor outside, and listens to the silence of a boy with nothing else but the memory of a family long gone.


	19. Needle: Alois x Claude

**Learn to Live**

I think you guys will really like this one. The next one should be up in a few days, I hope. Much love :)

**Chapter 19 - Needle**

He can't stop staring the first time he sees Claude without a shirt on, because honestly, there are just so many of them. So many fucking tattoos and they are all so gorgeous, and how the hell is Claude not smiling all the time because no one has any fucking idea what's under that white collared shirt and that boring black tie? He spends a ridiculous amount of time just running his fingers over them, trying to memorize the look and feel, just in case it's the last time. When he asks how many there are, Claude shrugs and says he's stopped counting, and they all intertwine anyway - and he accepts the answer, because they are so expertly woven together that he isn't quite sure where one ends and the other begins; it really seems to him like Claude's whole body is just a piece of art.

There is one, though, that stands out for a number of reasons. On Claude's right hip, a blue butterfly, strangely lifelike, has been permanently etched onto the skin, surrounded by nothing else; it is the only tattoo on the man's body that is in color. It was his first tattoo, Claude explains, and Alois decides that it is his favorite. Claude says nothing else about the subject; Alois wonders why he has so many secrets. He must - they are literally carved into his skin - but the boy does not dare ask about them. Not because he thinks Claude is an assassin or a mobster or some crap like that (although he's entertained the notion a few times), but because Claude had already told him so much, without words. Alois knows the sanctity of secrets, so he cannot ask anything of Claude, who has not asked anything of him. It wouldn't be fair.

One Friday after all of their classes are finished, they meet in the parking lot, and Claude asks if he'd like to come with him tomorrow to get his new tattoo. For a moment, Alois is shocked, because this all seems very personal to Claude - but no, Claude is letting him in - and that is a little terrifying but also absolutely awesome, so he says of course, I would definitely like that. So Claude picks him up Saturday morning and Alois feels like this is the biggest day of his life, and he asks this tall guy covered in tattoos if he can stay in the room and watch; a few minutes later he is seated beside Claude, and they're alone for right now, so Alois' hands are in his hair. He asks Claude if it's going to hurt, to which Claude shrugs, tightening his arms around Alois' body, and says yes, probably in his quiet voice. Which, Alois has noticed, is quite different from his teacher-voice; this one seems to be reserved for him specifically, which he likes.

So Alois sits quietly the whole time, fingers curled around Claude's, watching in rapt fascination as the pale skin on his back slowly fills with blood and ink, and slowly a design starts to take shape. It's probably the most amazing thing Alois has ever seen, because he has scars on his body but he never wanted them - Claude, on the other hand, is the complete opposite, and Alois is awed by that. He thinks it's comforting that they both have things to hide. After a few hours in which Alois has been strangely silent, they leave the tattoo parlor, and he wonders if it hurts Claude to drive but he doesn't say a word, he doesn't have to say a word, because silence is so easy with Claude and he is too busy thinking anyway. So when Claude drops him off at home, and places a kiss on Alois' cheek before touching their foreheads together, Alois simply says _thank you_ so softly that Claude can barely hear, and he knows that the older man knows what he means.

He's never had a choice in what what was done to his body, and Claude - what he has experienced with Claude today is like a smack in the face or a wake-up call, because he's never thought he could have so much _control_ before - at least over himself. He realizes that Claude has a lot left to teach him, because he certainly never taught Alois anything about _literature. _Claude let him in to something he would normally do alone, and just that thought makes Alois grin uncontrollably - because now, he knows that Claude really thinks he's special.

Alois thinks Claude is special, too.


	20. Itch: Alois x Claude

**Learn to Live**

I think you guys will really like this one. The next one should be up in a few days, I hope. Much love :)

**Chapter 20 - Itch**

It is October and the weather is just starting to get chilly again, and Alois is rifling through his drawers trying to find his favorite purple sweater, which after a twenty minute search ends up being hung up in his closet. He slips on a tiny black pair of shorts and matching socks, plus a white tee shirt, and then a green vest, and tops it all off with the sweater. Hannah inquires as to his pants-less state, but she knows by now that she may as well be trying to single-handedly move the Statue of Liberty, or pull a sword out of her stomach. He's not sure why, but he's always preferred wearing shorts; even if he has to wear multiple shirts and a coat to keep him warm, he'd rather do that than have to cover his legs. He knows Claude doesn't mind, and after checking himself out in the mirror in his bedroom, he has to admit his ass looks pretty damn good right now. Shoving a pair of dark brown boots on his feet, he heads out the door, putting his cell phone in his pocket and shaking out his hair.

Today will be a good day, he thinks.

It's one year ago today that Claude Faustus first kissed him in his classroom, and Alois feels silly for remembering the date but doesn't stop himself from smiling, and certainly doesn't stop himself from wondering if Claude remembers. Honestly, he's not sure if the older man even gives a crap. But there has to be a reason why Claude asked Alois to meet him here, because it's Saturday and Claude could be writing or doing a myriad of things other than spending time with _him_. As Alois rounds the corner, he can see Claude standing beside one of the benches, and he has to say, his teacher looks fucking _hot_. You know, in a _completely_ non-sexual way, because he's wearing a leather coat and a sweater and he must be pretty warm, and who does Alois think he's kidding, _really_? It's not like Ciel is here to make fun of him, and Claude says he likes it when Alois smiles too much anyway, so he heads over, unable to stop grinning for the life of him.

Claude notices him and gives him a rare, soft, half-smile, waiting for him to get closer before leaning down and kissing his hair. He takes Alois' hand and instead of leading them towards one of the benches, he sits down in the grass, beckoning silently for Alois to follow. So he sits in Claude's lap, facing him, and lays his head down on the other man's shoulder. There is something abnormally peaceful about Claude today, and it must be contagious, because Alois' eyes are getting droopy even though he's just woken up only a few hours ago. After some contemplation, Claude lays down in the grass, bringing Alois to lay down against his chest. His head is cushioned by leaves of all colors, vivid oranges and reds and they are framing Claude's face like some demented halo, Alois thinks, and it's actually pretty funny because Claude _is_ an angel but at the same time he is as far from an angel as anybody could ever be. They speak softly, or at least Alois does, mostly about nonsense, and Claude responds here and there with a nod or a small noise of acknowledgement. It's more than Alois is expecting, although Claude does seem off today, but not in a bad way.

Alois tries to concentrate, but it's so hard to stay awake with Claude's fingers running through his hair and a hand resting on his waist, so Alois lets his eyes close, and just listens. He can hear Claude's low chuckle, and then all of a sudden the fingers in his hair are gone, and his eyes snap open just as Claude's arms wrap around him and he rolls them both onto their sides. Alois giggles, because since when is Claude like this? So he asks, _what's gotten into you today?_ but with his eyes, because Claude has taught him how much power silence can have, sometimes more power than words - and Claude answers verbally,_ I met you one year ago, and it's strange, because I tried so hard to hate you and yet here you are_. And Alois must look confused, because he continues. _You came into my classroom and I couldn't take my eyes off of you, and even though I tried to push you away, you wouldn't let me, you pushed back_. And Alois knows no one has ever pushed Claude like that, because the man looks perplexed, but he is glad that he did, because it's probably one of the best things that's ever happened to him. The look on Claude's face is adorable and confusing all at once, so Alois scoots closer to him and wraps his arms around Claude's neck. The leaves are tickling his legs because of his damn shorts, and they're a nice pillow but Alois' neck is itchy as hell. Claude looks like he wants to say something else, but this is the most Alois has heard him say in like, forever - so he cuts Claude a break and speaks so his teacher (boyfriend? That feels weird to say) doesn't have to. _I like pushing, _he says,_ it reminds me I'm still alive._

Claude looks at him for a moment, and touches his face, and Alois can't believe that it still feels just as electric as it did the first time they touched. He's feeling adventurous due to their current position, despite the fact that they are in the middle of a park, but there is no one around, so he lays his hands over Claude's and presses their lips together. Claude responds immediately, rolling over again, pressing Alois onto his back and hovering over him, Alois' arms once again encircling his neck. Alois licks along his jawline, smiling when Claude tilts his head further back, and he cranes his head up to look at the man's face, watching his eyes flutter closed. It's nice, that he can make Claude go crazy like this, when he is already drunk from too much Claude, and all he can feel are the other man's hands or his lips or his tongue and all of a sudden nothing else is important anymore, but the moment they are in.

Alois wants to stay like this forever, but they've been longer than he thought, because it's getting dark and he has to squint a bit to see clearly. Claude manages to sweep both of them up gracefully off the ground, and next thing he knows, he is cradled comfortably in Claude's arms again, legs wrapped around his waist, one of Claude's hands around his middle and the other under his ass. He whispers Claude's name in a question, and Claude turns his head in response, laying his head lightly on Alois' shoulder in a gesture opposite from the usual. His lips brush Alois' neck softly, and it's times like these that make Alois realize how fucked up they are, and he's suddenly giggling uncontrollably and it must be catching because when he looks over, Claude is smiling - actually fucking _smiling_- and it's the most beautiful thing and Alois is completely blown away and he clamps his hands on Claude's face and full-on kisses him, and he's not nice about it, but Claude seems not to care, because in five seconds flat they are on the ground again. And then back up, because Claude gives him a look that says _we are not doing this here_, and he totally agrees - so he texts Hannah that he wont be home because he knows she worries - and hooks himself around Claude again and they walk (well Claude does) and Alois says to himself,_ this is a bad idea,_ but he's always saying that and he never listens to himself - so he lets Claude open the car door for him and then circle around and open his own door, and they're driving now, and everything's in Claude's hands and that's okay. Actually, that's more than okay. For the five-thousandth time in his life, Alois does not look back - but this time, he does so with no fear.

TBC


	21. Explode: Alois x Claude

**Learn to Live**

Well this is part 2 out of 3, the next part will be up in a few days. I decided to cut the chapter in half and update sooner rather than later, because the second half is giving me some trouble. Enjoy :)

**Chapter 21 - Explode**

When Claude finally stops the car, it takes all of Alois' self-control not to jump his bones right then and there, because he's flustered - not visibly, but Alois can tell - and his hair is all in his face and his glasses are off and it's sexy as fuck. And it's been a fucking _year _and he and Claude have never had sex because somehow Claude knows, knows that Alois needs to be handled carefully, and Alois is grateful, unimaginably so, but right now he just wants Claude's clothes off and does not care about much else. It does not seem like Claude is going to push him away this time either, and it's making Alois all giddy inside - last time, they had gotten this far, but it had been right after one of Alois' panic attacks, and Claude had apologized and made him go to sleep instead. Not that he had done much sleeping, but being wrapped up in Claude's arms had made everything almost okay. But now, there is nothing like that in the way, and Alois knows he will get what he wants tonight, what both of them want.

When they get inside, Claude wastes absolutely no time. He's always been freakishly efficient, but sometimes Alois thinks it's ridiculous, because he barely even blinks and he is up against a wall, Claude's body a cage around him, and those hands are on his hips again, and Alois' eyes snap open and fly to cover Claude's fingers- he's just realized something. Claude freezes; he's noticed it too. As many times as Claude's had his hands all over Alois' body, he's never seen any of the scars that are under Alois' clothes. The other ones, he's seen, the ones roaming up and down his legs and his arms - but somehow this feels different - both of them can clearly see that. And it doesn't matter what Claude does now - Alois _wants_ him to see. Because these scars are what Alois _was_; Claude is what he _is_.

So he lets Claude's hands go.

Claude leans down and looks him in the eye, his gaze soft, questioning - and in answer, Alois reaches for Claude's hands and slides them up, curls them in his shirt, before reaching up to grab the other man's face, mashing their lips together gracelessly; to Claude, it is the most beautiful and perfect and absolute answer in the world - so he finishes the task Alois' hands have started. He traces the boy's ribs with his fingers, feels the raised skin across the plane of his chest, and Alois can feel him tense; the hands on either side of Claude's face direct it to face him, and it's the first time he sees it - Claude is actually visibly upset - if Alois were in the habit of assuming, he'd think Claude was angry, something he always thought was impossible.

Claude proves him wrong, for what is it, the third time today? Because Alois can see it now, he's _pissed_, and before he can say something, or ask why, Claude's hand slides out of Alois' shirt and comes to rest over his mouth. Alois can see how hard it is for him, but after a few moments, he manages words. They're quiet, but Alois can hear them very clearly; he whispers Alois' name, and says _who did this to you, who the fuck did this to you_, and _how many are there_, and lastly - _are you alright_? Alois can't help but smile; he removes Claude's hand from his mouth, and whispers back, just as quietly, _I am absolutely fine_. Claude relaxes into him, before he looks in Alois' eyes again - a clear 'are you going to answer the rest?' and in return, Alois leans further into him, and asks, _do you really want to know right now_?

Claude nods, after hesitating for a moment, and Alois gives him another little smile. _It was my stepfather_, he says nervously, unsure of what Claude's reaction will be, _and there are too many to count. But it's over and done and he can't hurt me anymore_ - and when he sees something flare up in Claude's eyes he is quick to add _don't think I'm being flippant about this_, and _of course it bothers me, you've seen what it does to me, but he is dead now, dead in the dirt where he fucking belongs_. His fingers are in Claude's hair, pulling him so close that their noses touch. _I want this, I want this if you want this, if you want to see the rest_. And Claude's expression has changed; the thinly-veiled rage has disappeared, but Alois can't read him, and he's not sure if he wants to. His hands are on the boy's hips again, this time more firmly, and he exhales and somehow, this gives Alois the strength to continue. _Make it go away, because I know you can. You're the only one who can._

He can see what's written on Claude's face pretty clearly now - and he's immeasurably glad it's not pity or sadness or the look you give a beaten animal in one of those ridiculous commercials - instead Claude wears the same little half-smile he did this afternoon when they met. Alois lets out a sigh of relief and does something that excites him and scares the shit out of him at the same time. He grabs hold of Claude's hands, frozen at his hips, and hooks them into the fabric of his shorts. _Do you want to see them?_ he's asking with his eyes again, because talking and breathing are not his priorities right now. And when Claude gives a nod of assent, Alois slowly moves their hands down, exposing his hipbones and an inch or so below them, where there are dozens of delicate, raised white scars, neatly placed in little rows across his skin. He doesn't know what to do, or say, and right now he's just waiting for Claude, who cannot and does not disappoint him.

_Close your eyes_, Claude whispers to him, and Alois does, in a state of serenity that he himself doesn't understand. He stands there for what seems like hours, eyelids glued shut, and eventually he thinks his legs are going to give out, he swears, but then he feels Claude move. And all of a sudden the hands are off his hips and there is a tongue there instead, and Claude's hands are holding his wrists now, and _what. the. fuck_. Alois can't even think straight, because all he can manage is _claudeclaudeclaude_ _fuckfuckfuck_, and he's wondering idly if he can open his eyes yet, but he doesn't even give a shit because he can feel Claude tracing over every single one of those goddamn lines and his tongue feels so fucking _good_, and his eyes wouldn't really be of use to him anyway, because they are screwed shut so tightly, and he is completely still, unable to move or speak or do anything, until he forces himself to breathe.

A quiet moan is the only thing he can get out, but the older man gets the message, because he lets go of Alois' wrists, allowing him to thread his fingers back into Claude's inky-black hair. Claude pauses for a moment to tell him he can open his eyes before starting on his other hip, but Alois is not sure he wants to, because feeling it is one thing, but seeing it is another entirely. It's nice to know he can though - because he kind-of wants to see the look on Claude's face right now and if it's anything like he's been imagining. So when Claude's teeth graze his skin _ever _so slightly and he can feel Claude breathing against him, he shudders slightly and decides to open his eyes - he is glad he does, because at that moment, Claude looks up at him and he's never looked more gorgeous than he does in this moment.

At one point Alois thinks Claude realizes that they are still near the doorway of his apartment, because he stops what he's doing and stands back up, gathering Alois into his arms, before making certain that the door is locked and moving further inside. Claude is careful in the way he carries the boy, it's like he's transporting glass, like Alois will shatter into a million pieces if Claude so much as takes a wrong step. He carries Alois into his bedroom, depositing him down on the bed, and then they are touching again, and Claude's jacket and shirt are gone, and Alois' purple sweater gets flung across the room - and strangely, he doesn't even care because Claude's skin is on his. His hands are still glued to Alois' hips, and Alois is on fire, _burning_, but so help him he will die without those hands on him, and he's too young to die.

_Claude_, he whispers, and Claude leans his head into Alois' neck, _tell me what you want, anything_. And all he can see and feel and think is Claude right now, and if he dies right now it's okay, because this is everything he's ever wanted and if Claude wants more he is more than willing to provide it. _Give me everything you have_, he says, more than a whisper now, and he's pulling on Claude's hair, yanking their mouths together, licking across his lips, _I want you to fuck me, Claude Faustus. I want you to fuck me till I can't remember my name_, and Claude's eyes are wide and Alois can't help but smile, and he continues, _I want you to have to carry me home_.

Claude tilts his head, analyzing Alois' face for a moment, before he smirks slightly, amusement evident on his face, and replies, _yes, your highness_.

And Alois swears right then and there he feels like he's about to explode.


	22. Give: Alois x Claude

**Learn to Live**

Well, I'm not happy with this...but I figured I would post it and just get it over with. I might put up an edited version if I fix it enough. Oh well. The next chapter is already in progress + going much better. I love you all.

**Chapter 22 - Give**

Part of Alois feels guilty for not being careful; the angry red welts on Claude's back are probably going to hurt pretty bad soon - and part of him is thrilled, because Claude's eyes are rolling back in his head and he's pushing harder now, grinding their hips together, and everything is getting slightly fuzzy. Alois tugs forcefully at Claude' belt, chucking it to the floor; Claude pulls off his boots and socks, and places his hands at the hem of Alois' shorts, slowly dragging them lower. He's never wanted to be closer to someone in his life - he wants to breathe the same air that Claude breathes, occupy the same space, he wants to live inside of this man in a way he's unable to eloquently verbalize. It's a feeling that Claude seems to understand, and reciprocate; he slides his fingers across Alois' body like he will die without the texture of his skin, like his entire being depends on their continued closeness. Something in the pit of Alois' stomach is twisting uncomfortably, but he doesn't want it to stop - he knows what he wants. He wants Claude, all of him, and Claude wants all of him in return.

Alois has never been a particularly patient person, and he knows they have all the time in the world right now, but he seriously wishes that Claude would hurry the fuck up. But Claude is one of those people with patience to spare, and does he realize how torturous this is? Probably, since he knows exactly what Alois wants and that he has absolutely no self-control, that if he keeps moving at such an excruciatingly slow pacer, Alois is going to go insane, and he likes it. The boy can't help but take it as a challenge - Claude said himself that Alois had been the first to push him - so he takes it as a sign that Claude might like to be pushed. And if that's true, he is more than willing to _push_ as hard as he possibly can. Alois does aim to please - and he likes to think he's pretty good at it.

Claude kisses him and a hundred spider-legs follow his fingertips down Alois' sides, making him shiver and smile and lean further into the older man's embrace, press their bodies tightly together, woven like mesh or the most perfect basket. Claude opens his eyes and looks Alois in the face, searching for a hesitancy that has long since passed - and when he finds so signs of it, he sees fit to finally assuage the child's desires and continue. He slides his hands back into the belt-loops of those little shorts, tugging them down inch by inch, and Alois can't help but wonder how the fuck is he so calm about this, but he can't find his voice to tell Claude pick up the pace, asshole. He thinks Claude gets it though, because he's started moving faster and he's working on his own clothes now; Alois runs his hands down the other man's chest, tracing the lines of his tattoos before finally resting his hand over the butterfly on Claude's hip. He smiles, separating from Claude long enough to bend down and kiss it softly, and Claude's breath hitches - barely, but enough that Alois notices.

While Alois is preoccupied with his mouth on Claude's skin, the older man takes the opportunity to change their positions slightly; he slides a hand behind Alois' neck and lays them both down completely. The boy makes a noise in question, which turns quickly into a low moan when Claude fits a leg between his, puts his hands back on Alois' hips, and glues their lips back together. And he thinks it's desperation he feels in the way Claude is pressing against him; his hips are so bony and it's beautiful and if Claude isn't careful he's going to cut through Alois' skin, and the boy will bleed to death in his arms - and as good as that sounds, Alois doesn't want to die yet. He knows Claude wouldn't let it happen anyway, so he loses himself in the feeling of their bodies, woven together like mesh, like a basket made of fingers and arms and legs - and he pushes back against Claude, feeling their hands touch. They are too close now, bones only separated by millimeters of skin, breathing the same air, and it's like they are the only thing in the world.

Alois has never felt so comfortable around anyone else - Claude still inspires a trust in him that is overwhelming and dangerous, but beautiful and a bit scary, although Alois wouldn't have it any other way. When his father had been alive, Alois had never been able to claim ownership over his own body, had never been allowed to feel good, or to take pride in himself or who he was - even after he's died, Alois had never fully recovered his confidence, or had a grasp on what the word truly meant. In his struggle for self-validation, he had found himself in Ciel, Hannah, and then Claude, and the older man especially had taught him that his scars were a part of him; Alois had never thought anyone would be so accepting of such a battered body, but Claude always seemed to be more interested in who he was than who he had been. Alois cannot describe how it makes him feel - there is a difference between the love of a mother or friend and that of a lover, and that latter was something he never thought he'd ever have, or be able to appreciate.

But he did now.

Claude seems to always know what he is thinking, and now is no exception; one of his hands moves to Alois' head, stroking his hair, and then all of a sudden something changes - his breathing is shallow, and when Alois takes the opportunity to roll his hips against Claude's, the other man pins him to the bed, grinding back into him, sending sparks though his body. Alois can't see shit; all he can feel is Claude's tongue on his neck, and Claude against him, and the rocking motion of Claude's hips, because Claude is his world in this moment and every moment after.

He's not really sure when things changed; he's not sure when they lost the rest of their clothes or when Claude reached over to his nightstand and pulled out a bottle of whatever-the-fuck-that-was, or when Claude finally stopped being so fucking _careful_, but that's not really important anymore, because he can feel Claude against him and they're both fucking hard and if he wasn't so eager to have the other man inside him, he'd want to come like this, just like this, with Claude pressing his body harder and harder against Alois and Alois matching his movements, because he could go on like this forever but he knows it has to end. It's now that he's grateful to Claude for taking things slow, because he's never had someone he enjoys looking at so much, never had someone he wants to do this with; he's never wanted to drown in someone's body a thousand times over and never come up for air - but with Claude, things are different.

Alois isn't sure how to describe what he feels for this man. It's like he's a music box and Claude's the only one who can open him, the only one who can make him sing. His father tried, and maybe broke him, and now Claude has put him back together and now he's working again, flourishing even. And now all he can see and hear and focus on is the man who put his life back together again, sewed him shut again - although, now Claude is pulling him apart at the seams, and he can't take it, _can't hold on anymore_; he hasn't done this in a while and he doesn't want to fuck it up but everything just feels so damn _good_.

_Stop trying so hard_, Claude says, but Alois is not used to someone giving him their everything - people have always taken from him, and he's never complained. But he hopes that Claude never leaves him because he could get used to someone being so selfless with him and he is not sure he could ever go back if things reverted to the way things were before. So he tries to smile and says _well what the fuck am I supposed to do, just lay here? _and he's not serious and Claude knows that but he replies _essentially, _and somehow manages to keep a straight face, so he knows the other man secretly means it. And he wants to protest but Claude's giving him a look so he decides he's going to be a good little boy and behave, and he wraps his arms around Claude's neck and touches their lips together lightly.

_Bring it on._


End file.
